An emotional couple of days

I haven't blogged about my emotions lately. I've been blogging 9-1-1 and cookbook stuff because it helps to be doing something positive and the cookbook stuff has been keeping me busy. But the emotional roller coaster continues to run.

Next week members of the foundation (including moi) are going to Las Vegas for the NAED (National Academies of Emergency Dispatch) conference. I have mixed emotions about it. I believe I should be excited about going to Las Vegas. Who doesn't get excited about Vegas? Well.... I'm not all that excited. I take that back. I am and I'm not. I am excited because it will give me an opportunity to meet 9-1-1 industry people. When Mark and Nate came home from San Diego they said it was the most incredible experience (other than getting married and having children) they ever had. That the encouragement and the support for our cause and for them was phenomenal. They said the people were just wonderful. It made them feel good. I so want to feel good. Suddenly all we are doing was making sense and we felt we were being heard. So, there are many people think it would be good for me to meet some of these same people and experience the same positive energy. More importantly I'm to man the booth. Which I'm good at and have lots of experience doing.

I'm not looking forward to it because I don't want to be that person people feel sorry for. I'm afraid that I might break down and share my grief too much. I'm afraid of telling Denise's story over and over again. I'm sure I can. I'm sure I just have the jitters but as I've said before, it's not easy getting out there and putting your pain on display.

I'm worried about parties etc.... I don't want to go to parties. Yes, I want to meet people and network to promote our cause. Yes, I want to laugh. I like to laugh. Yes, I want to go to dinner. But I don't think I can actually party. We'll see.

Aside to Kevin: If you're reading this, dinner is on! You've been so incredibly supportive.

I'm just sharing my thoughts. I'm not sure how I feel.

But I think it's an important trip and the right thing to do. I'm primarily going to work the booth at the convention. I've been working boothes at conventions and home shows for years. I'm good at it. I know Denise's story and 9-1-1 debacle in her case inside and out. I feel very comfortable about doing it. It'll be nice discussing it with people who actually know what I'm talking about. It'll be wonderful to hear their thoughts as to what can be done, what we should do, and where we should go from here.

But I know it's going to take a lot of emotional energy.


Today

Today wasn't a good day for me. We're shipping a lot of stuff out to the conference center before we go. We have a very large picture of Denise. It's this picture about 35" W x 25" H

The picture is almost life size. As I was driving, I had the picture in the front seat and I couldn't help touching her face. It brought back memories of when we used to go places with the kids (doctors etc...). It was hard driving and holding back tears.

Then I stopped at one of the foundation member's workplaces to ship the stuff. The foundation member (a true angel in blue) works less than a 1/4 mile from where Denise's body was found. At the entrance to the street where Denise's body was found the road is closed but there's teddy bears, flowers, ribbons etc.... on one of the road signs.

Above is a picture from the newspaper early in 2008. I had to drive by it twice today to get Tammy's workplace. Since this picture was taken many more bears have been added and many many more flowers. It was hard for me to see. I don't go near that area unless I absolutely have toand today I had to. I avoid it like the plague. Anyhow, seeing it was almost unbearable. Why? Because it was dirty and dingy. The bears were filthy with highway grit and dust (it's very close to I-75). I thought, oh my! So I went to the local dollar store to get some silk flowers (the closest Michael's is a half hour away) but they were closed due to the economy. That's what their sign said. So I went to the Publix. They didn't have any silk flowers. And there I was in a quandary and almost breaking into tears as to what to do. It seemed silly, a woman in the middle of a grocery store getting ready to cry. I know this sounds pathetic but the feelings were very genuine. What do you do? So, I bought some real daisies and drove back to the sign. I cleaned away as much debris as I could and all the dead flowers. I was in tears. I had to fight the "compulsion" to get a sponge and start cleaning the bears and faded ribbons. I wanted to brighten it up and make it cheery. The bears up close didn't look as bad as they do far away. You could see they had been placed there with love.

I don't know whether we should take it all down or leave it up. I think it should stay. But it has to be kept nice! By the time I left it, I was a wreck. When I get back from the conference I plan on going back with very bright silk flowers. I can't clean the bears but I can spruce them up some.

Anyhow, I cried all the way home (half an hour drive). I felt people were looking at me. There I was in the car with Denise's lifesize picture sitting next to me. I could've turned the picture over so I wouldn't have to see it. That would've kept me from reaching out to her. But that not right!!! It's all still that painful. Then I have the bumper sticker so I felt I was being stared at. I know there are people out there who thinking we should just "get over it".

So many people want me to read "The Shack" by William P Young. It's a Christian book about a man's whose daughter was abducted and brutally murdered in a shack. Four years later he receives a note supposedly from God that tells him to visit the shack. Sorry but I can't read that! I don't want to read about someone being abducted and brutally murdered. I don't care if they do find God in the end. (I haven't lost God. I'm just mad at him.)

Besides, I'm sorry but I think it's going to take longer than 4 years to get over this!

The good thing about the book is that it helps people better understand what we're going through as far as grief and anger. It doesn't help them necessarily understand our relationships (or at least my relationship) with God. That's a personal journey and everyone's is different.

Our foundation

Our foundation isn't going to stop people from being murdered. The murderer killed Denise. He's evil. But if we don't do all we can to help prevent further mishaps in 9-1-1 centers which will help prevent other families from suffering the way we and other families such as the Perez's and the Johnson's and the Cantrell's and the Zimmerman's and the Koon's etc...etc...etc... I just think we'd be doing a great wrong.

Sorry to go on.

Yesterday

Yesterday was even more emotional. Sue was in an accident with the babies. All are fine. It wasn't Sue's fault. Some maniac pulled out in front of her and could've killed the boys. We were all shaken up. Just the thought of losing the boys was terrifying. And I mean terrifying. Poor poor Sue. I can't imagine what she felt. Thank God, she was smart. She saved the boys lives. And Denise and whoever up above were watching out for them. I know the other families know what I mean. I mean it was terrifying thinking we could've lost those boys.

Oddly, Sue tried to call 9-1-1 from her cell phone but the call seemed to keep dropping. (We're pretty close to the water). They had to go in and call from a local business. She doesn't know why her call wouldn't go through.

Again, sorry to go on.

Much love and peace. We're all fine.

I've printed this in both blogs because I don't know if it's about grief or 9-1-1. I'm that muddled.

My day with Noah and Adam

What a nice day!

It was so good to see both of them for some quality time. Now that we're feeling more settled in the house it was easier for me and for them to relax. I picked them up early from daycare. The first thing we did was come back to the house and walk down to the water. I'll have to look for some pics to post but we're living directly on Lemon Bay. And it's beautiful:o) We sat on the bench and simply watched the boats. The boys were a bit mischievous and were wanting to dangle their feet over the seawall but I wasn't at all comfortable with that. But we ran around the grass and played tag. We watched birds and Noah saw two dolphins.

Then we came back to the house and they were thrilled! I was worried because yesterday didn't go so well....

Adam picked out a chair as if he was an explorer and staking a claim. If he had a flag I'm sure he would've planted it in the chair. He's like that. He has his spot. No one else is allowed in it. He'll be playing with a truck having a good time but stop immediately if he sees you sitting in his spot! He gets quite indignant and upset.

Noah kept saying things like "Grandma! you brought our blocks!" then "Grandma, you brought our train!" then "Grandma, you brought our ambulance!" then "Grandma, you brought our movies!" I replied with "of course!"

Then I said to Noah "I even brought mommy's picture!" I hadn't unpacked it yet so we went to the box and we unwrapped and unpacked all Denise's picture. He was thrilled! He held it very delicately. I said "she was so pretty!" and he said "Yeah!" I allowed him to pick the place for the special one we always kept at eye level. Adam later accidently knocked it over and Noah jumped up and instead of scolding Adam, he said "I'll fix it" and gingerly placed it back where it needed to be.

Then we took another walk down to see the boats and sit on the bench.

It was truly a precious time. I was so thrilled to see them happy. Adam is usually always happy unless he's not feeling well. But, Noah is moody. Today was a good mood.

Later I took them over to MomMom. It was a very good day:o)

not sure which blog to post this in. I originally posted it here but think that it may help homicide survivors with children in the other. It'll be posted in both.

I can't blog about Haleigh Cummings anymore

I'm too overwhelmed in my own grief.

I felt I was making progress in my own grief. I was doing much better.

I don't know if it's the Haleigh Cummings story or going through the newspapers articles on Denise that have set me back. I think it's a combination.

I had already pretty much decided that I best not look at Haleigh news anymore. I still pray with all my heart they find her. But the stories about her family are breaking my heart. I don't understand why people hurt children. I can't wrap my mind around it.

Cutting out the newspaper articles on Denise hasn't helped. It just makes me miss Denise all the more. She was so wonderful.

And I barely knew her. She was so shy. I tried to draw her out and then I stopped. I thought "heck! We have years together. Why push her? We'll have holidays, baseball games, shopping and lunches! We have years ahead of us to forge a bond." So, I didn't push her. And it never happened. All I knew was that she was a great mommy and a wonderful wife to my son. We got along, we chatted but did we bond? Maybe some but not nearly as much as we could have.

I'm so so sorry, Denise. I hope I didn't let you down. I miss you, sweetheart.

Good news is you are saving lives. Nathan and Mark are out in San Diego. Nathan is to give his speech in the morning. I'm so so proud of him. You would be too. I love you, baby.

Parents of Murdered Children meeting missed

Last night I missed another Parents of Murdered Children meeting. I was going fairly regularly to these meetings and find them very beneficial. It's difficult to express how I feel about the other people in the support group. All are families who have lost someone close to them to homicide.

It's the one place where we can go and not feel uncomfortable talking about our grief. It's difficult talking about homicide grief. It's rare, at least in my family, that we talk about it amongst family and friends. Why? You'd think we'd want to talk about it. Well, for us it's because we don't want to cause our loved ones anymore pain than they are already feeling. Let's say one of us is having an okay day, maybe even a good day. Who would want to spoil that day by bringing up our own grief? It's just going to bring them down. It's not going to lift us up by sharing it. Also, once we start talking about it, instead of grief coming out, we all start getting angry. And anger is a major part of the grief. We're not angry at each other, we're angry at the situation. We feel cheated.

And then when we do see people that we haven't seen for a long time... I don't know. They start asking questions and we don't mind answering them. They want to know. They're interested. They care. But after a while of talking about it.... I just get ill. I don't know about other people.

At the POMC meetings the others don't look at you cross eyed when you start talking about that anger. They "get it". They feel the same anger. They don't mention the cliches. If you start blubbering, they know just what to say. And sometimes it's nothing. Some of the people there have been there for years. They are especially helpful because they can give at least a little direction if not much. We are all so different. But there's hope in seeing them there. I feel a sense of comfort having them there. Seeing that they are still sane and haven't gone bonkers. These people aren't going to say "don't dwell on it" "you have to move on" "think of the positives" "God has his reasons" "think of the grandchildren" etc....

That's a rich one. "Think of the grandchildren". As if we don't think of the grandchildren!

I just erased a whole paragraph. I was going to share some of the stories from other families but I had to remind myself they are not my stories to share.

All the stories are tragic. All the stories are heartbreaking. All the stories make you want to cry.

Anyhow, they meet on Wednesday nights. Unfortunately, Wednesdays are Nathan's days off. So, a lot of the foundation business is usually planned for Wednesdays. Last night I missed the meeting because Nathan was practicing his CalNENA keynote address. I wanted to hear it. I could've made the decision to go to the POMC meeting but I opted to listen to Nathan. It's a 45 minute speech and it will address some 600 people.

I missed the last meeting because Nathan had a foundation meeting. I could've opted for the POMC meeting but it's rare I get to go to foundation meetings. I'm usually watching the babies. So, I opted for Nathan's meeting.

I just got word this morning that the SW Florida POMC is going to have 2 meetings a month. One in Punta Gorda and the other in Fort Myers. So, hopefully I'll be able to attend one or the other.

I missed December's meeting. I forget why. I missed November's meeting (it was my birthday). I may even have missed October's meeting! I can't even remember. But, it's been months.

posted in both blogs

The grandchildren's grief

I posted this in my other blog but felt it needed to be posted here. I just feel as if it's important for my family and friends to know about the Noah and Adam. Remember my other blog is anonymous so I don't mention them by name. But y'all know who they are and how much they are loved.



The grandchildren's grief


I hesitate to blog about this simply because I'm no expert. So what I'll share is my experiences with the children but I'll not give advice. I have none to give.

I say "my experiences" with the children because I believe they experience and react differently with different people. I believe they may react different with their MomMom (their other grandmother) than with me. She has a grace about her and a quietness. I'm a little louder and more talkative. Just as my relationships with my grandmothers were different, I believe their relationship with each of us are different. One's not better than the other they are simply different. IMO the roles of both sets of grandparents is to give the grandchildren the best of both worlds.

In the beginning I believe MomMom and I were both very worried. I was worried because my son moved in with her and the babies grandpa directly after my daughter in law died. They needed to be near the children and my son needed to be near them. Living in their home brought him closer to our daughter in law. So, it worked out for all of them. My husband and I felt almost stranded. Here I was my son's mom, and it didnt seem as if he needed me. His life was shattered and destroyed but I was "it seemed" not needed. I was so afraid of losing him and the babies. I felt alone and isolated.

I remember having a strong desire that lasted a very long time of wanting to hold my son and rock him gently back and forth. I wanted to desperately take his pain away. I learned then, that as a grown man, my son didn't necessarily need me holding him. And he certainly didn't need me hovering. I made a vow then that I would do my best to not meddle in his life and to have complete faith in him. I still do my best to hold on to that vow. The desire to rock him and hold him has never really gone away. I guess all mom's feel that. I can't imagine what MomMom is feeling.

I'm sure MomMom was worried too. It was her daughter who was lost. I can only imagine her thought pattern. But I believe she would've thought that possibly my son would come running to our side of the family when ever he needed someone. And that her role would dwindle in time. Who knows, my son may remarry someday.... etc.... the thoughts race. Who knows what the future brings? It sux having to think about it. Rightfully, the daughter should be there. It's unnatural that she's not. Anger again.

Fortunately, for her and me, we are both kind, loving, caring and compassionate individuals. I think we instinctively knew and know each other's fears. And we've done our best, without really saying so, to share willingly and lovingly.

Throughout this past year we've worked together in every way possible. I feel blessed that she's their MomMom. We're both very different. She's quiet. I'm more outgoing. But we're both the same in the way we love these babies and want the best for them.

That helps. A great deal. If I was to give advice that's what it would be. Be good to the in-laws and GET ALONG! It's so important for the children.

Our two grandbabies have been shuffled around quite a bit.

In the beginning my son lived with both boys at the in-laws. (He's since moved out). Then the in-laws went back to work and so did my son. I didn't go back right away. I stayed home with the boys. So, that worked out. I stayed with the boys during the day and then my son and the in-laws had them at night. We didn't feel comfortable putting them in daycare right away because when my daughter in law died she was a stay at home mom. So, we tried to respect that.

Eventually though, we felt it was time they went into daycare. I had to start working as much as I could and the boys needed it. Especially the older one. We started the older one first and eased the younger one in.

I should tell you that when my daughter in law died the oldest had just turned 2. And the youngest had just turned 6 months. They are exactly 18 months apart.

At the time of her death neither child could talk. The eldest was saying one word phrases but that was it. The only words he had put together were "bye bye big truck". My daughter in law was constantly working with him. But he digressed in some ways. She had almost had him potty trained and well........ it's over a year later and we're still potty training him. That's because we basically stopped because of the stress and didn't start again until a couple of months ago. I think the potty training brings back memories for him. I think he's fighting it for her. I don't know.

We do our best to keep her memory alive in both of them. The youngest does recognize her picture and can point and say "mommy" but he doesn't have any memory. I know I talk about her with the oldest quite often. I'll tell him he reminds me of his mommy especially when he's happy and silly.

I remember those first few months when I had them during the day. They were special days but there were odd times for the oldest. I remember he would look off into the distance. He couldn't play by himself the way most children do. He had to have constant attention. It was as if, when he played alone he would think and remember. I remember going into another room and finding him lying on the floor and just staring into space. I'd say "are you okay" and he wouldn't say. He'd just stare into space. I was puzzled at first and then learned that during those times he was thinking about mommy. I asked "are you thinking about mommy?" and he'd nod. So, I'd get her picture out and we'd chat about her. He'd sit on my lap and I'd go over how pretty she was and how she was always smiling. He enjoyed that immensely. He wanted to talk about her. He wanted to remember her. My husband sometimes would think I was being morbid but no. It seemed important to chat about her. The chats were and still are very casual and fun.

I remember times when he would take her picture (we have one that's very special that I keep out and in reach for him) and set it in the middle of the coffee table. Then he would play with his cars and trucks while she sat on the table watching. It was eerie. It gave me shivers and still does. But I let him.

Then there were times, later, when he started "I don't want grandma! Want mommy!" That is when he was first starting to be able to voice his feelings. "DON'T WANT GRANDMA! WANT MOMMY!!!!" oh my gosh. What do you do? Me? I cried inside and out. Then we cried together and I held him. We cried. But it was only once. We never did it again.

Then one night I went to kiss him goodnight and he wanted mommy. So I said "okay, close your eyes and pretend.... and then I'll be mommy. Close your eyes!" and he did. I kissed him and he was happy. That only happened once though. The moment has never been recaptured. We've never done it since.

It seems as if by the age of 3 he's accepted (and it took probably 7-8 months) that she's not coming back.

Anger issues? Yes, I know he has them. We all do. We can't run away from them.

But all in all, he's happy. He smiles and laughs and giggles 85% of the time. At least when he's here. (I started typing 95% but I brought that number down).

The youngest? I think some of us disagree on how to handle him. He likes his 3 B's. His Binky, his Blanket and his Bottle. He gets shuttled from daddy's to MomMom's to my house and has never had a "true" routine since his mommy died. His 3 B's are his routine. At 18 months, my son believes it's time to start weaning him. I oppose this but only mention it here. My son is the decision maker.

But he does good. He really does. He's a scamp, the youngest! He loves to perform! He's, of course, way ahead of the older one at his age because he mimics everything and he's a daredevil!

They are so precious. My daughter in law saved their lives. She literally saved their lives by keeping the perp/creep/monster as far away from them as she could. She laid down her life for them. I really really miss her.

I don't know what to do. I'm that numb.

It's been a bad day. It started off with me messing up all Mark's emails by trying to install a new email program. He couldn't get access to them. And he needs access to them.

Then we received a very cold email from someone in the 9-1-1 industry that just blew my mind. I still don't see how people can't see that we are trying to help the best way we know how. We're not villians. We're concerned citizens. We're not attacking, we're seeking advice and direction. We just want to minimize mistakes and human errors. WE WANT TO HELP.

Then Mark's mom called. His Aunt Wilma is dying. She's older and in her eighties. She's lived a very good life with 5 kids all loving her. It's not unexpected. She's has cancer. But I can't stop crying inside. I was closer to Mark's Aunt Wilma than I've been with my own aunts during my adult years. That's not to say I don't love my own aunts dearly. I grew up spending nights at their houses, swimming in their pools, visiting and shopping. I couldn't have had better aunts growing up. Mark is very close to his aunt. I'm so worried about Mark.

Anyhow, I'm numb. Simply numb.

I can't even pack boxes today. I'm just staring at them.

It's the first day that I thought "if Nathan asks me to pick the children up from daycare, I'm going to tell him I can't do it."

I know it's because we have too much time on our hands. Everyone else has 40 hour work weeks. I have maybe a 10 hour work week. And Mark..... is barely working at all. So, we're the ones immersed in the 9-1-1 stuff. And it's depressing. Losing our house is depressing. Losing Aunt Wilma is depressing. Having to screw around with computers is frustrating.

So, Mark and I drove out to the fishing pier and took a long walk. It was very pleasant and we watched the dolphins.

Anyhow, I don't think I'm in any emotional shape to pick up the grandchildren. Nathan just called and asked me to. I said I would.

I wonder if I should call Sue and ask her to do it. I can't think straight anymore.

Then I think maybe having the babies will be a good thing and get my mind off this stuff. But, heck, I don't want them around my issues. And there's my concern for Mark. Some days he just can't deal with the kids.

sigh

I don't know what to do. If I'm not crying on the outside, I'm crying on the inside.

And now I'm not sure whether to put this post in this blog or the other blog.

In case you're curious. Yes, I need to see my doctor. I haven't seen him in a while. I stopped seeing the therapist even though he was free. I need someone very hardcore to handle my emotional issues. And, he I believe is just the wrong therapist.

We don't have health insurance. Heck, now we don't have a house.

Dang. I'm going to shut up. I'm going to lay down, take two aspirin and repeat over and over in my mind "you are not going crazy. you are not going crazy. you are not going crazy."

I'm going to post this in both blogs and deal with the decision after re-reading this later.

Much love and peace to all.

added edit:

I did end up picking up the kids. And, I'm very glad I did. Their warmth, their smiles etc....... truly lifted my spirits. It's impossible to stay down when they're around.

Denise

Dear Denise,

I miss this blog.

And in missing it I realize just how much this blog has kept your memory alive for me.

So.... whether it be healthy or unhealthy, I feel compelled to continue blogging about you. I'll do my best to keep any anger issues out of it.

I miss you so much.

Dear blog,

Today was especially difficult. Nathan is speaking before almost 600 people in less than 2 weeks out in California. Mark and I have been reviewing videos to show before his speech.

Let's just say, the day has brought it all back. Not that it ever leaves but some days are more intense for whatever reason.

I've been packing boxes (Mark and I are moving) and for whatever reason I've had visuals of Denise on and off all day.

Oh, sweetheart, this 9-1-1 crusade is a tough journey. I wonder sometimes if we jumped in too soon. I feel we need all our strength and all our energy to focus on it to get it done right. Since I stopped blogging on this blog there was another tragedy.

A baby boy stopped breathing and the mom called 9-1-1. Sadly and tragically she said "avenue" instead of "street" (I could have that backwards) and the paramedics went to the wrong home. They went to a home 30 miles away. Obviously it's not the dispatcher's fault. And equally obvious is it's not the young distraught mother's fault. But could the tragedy have been averted? Possibly. We just need to look at it.

Our fight has brought dispatchers down on us. They (at least the ones I've encountered on internet forums) have been greatly offended while others embrace out passion to help. There's no middle.

Anyhow, sweetheart, I miss you and love you.

The babies are well. Adam is a little echo. As is Noah. Noah mimics everything and loves being a dinosaur. Adam mimics Noah. But, of course, you know that. Please keep sending your spirit to us. We need it and cherish it. We are doing our best to instill it in the boys. I tell Noah he reminds me of his mommy all the time. Love you, baby.

Still praying for the Herrera's and their extended family

For some reason I can't get this family off my mind. I simply can't imagine the pain the parents must be going through. It's difficult to wrap my mind around it.

It brings back memories of the numbness our family experienced. I don't know how we would've gotten throught those days if it wasn't for family. I think Catholics have it right. I think every family should be big. It's times like these that big families, especially big, close families really mean something.

Oddly, in some ways those early days when we first lost Denise were easier. There was plenty of family around wanting to do all they good. Also those early days were easier because we were in a state of numbness and the pain wasn't as keen and sharp. Now that it's been over a year since we lost Denise, the reality has set in and it all comes down to adjusting. The anger is still very acute.

I simply can't imagine losing two babies. And IMO those two little children were still just babies.

After a while, family tends to back off. They (it seems to me) run out of ideas of what to do and how to help. I imagine they feel, after a while, almost clueless as to how to help. After a time, people wonder what to say. I think, they expect you to start getting over it. I don't think I could ever get over losing two children the way the Herrera's lost their two children. It was so sudden and so senseless.

If I thought my faith was tested imagine how Susan and Jorge Herrera's faith is tested. Hopefully their faith is much stronger than mine was when we lost Denise. Hopefully this family doesn't have the anger issues my family has. Anger just adds more pain to an already painful situation.

As humble as they are I offer my prayers up for this family.

Last night's post

On reading it this morning, it appears that I was and still am feeling sorry for myself and my family. Last night wasn't an easy one for me. I thought about deleting the post as it's so depressing but I've now thought otherwise. Part of the purpose of this blog is to help other homicide survivors and if the post in any way echoes any of their feelings, then I choose to leave it as it stands so that they do not feel alone. It does NOT bring comfort knowing others suffer and share the same pain but it may bring comfort to others knowing they are NOT going crazy. That it's the situation that is crazy and not us.

FWIW, I'm not much better this morning. Actually I feel worse. I feel hungover even though I didn't have any alcohol last night. I think I had too much sleep. My eyes are all puffy this morning and my head is cloudy. I had nightmares again but they weren't violent. They were confusing.

The anger has dissipated some. And that is always a good thing.

Homicide Grief a year later

Last March while writing about homicide grief, my grief was still very raw. Now, a year later it's still raw. The biggest difference is I've seem to have come out of what I can only describe as a zombie phase. For many months after we lost Denise I was a zombie. I met people and attended fundraisers and was simply there. I didn't feel an active part of any of it. It was just all happening around me and I don't feel as if I contributed much other than my presence and of course, watching the babies.

I have hardened up some. I still cry quite often but not nearly as openly as I used to. I've become used to the newspaper articles and the news reels. Over this past New Years, one of the news reels proclaimed Denise's story to be "the saddest story of 2008" at least locally. And I didn't cry.

Well wait a minute. I take that back. I did cry. But I cried on the inside. I read somewhere someone describe homicide grief saying "it's as if you're bleeding on the inside" and that's so true. It's a perfect description.

I also read that you don't get over it, you simply adjust. Or maybe someone told me that. I can't remember. But that's basically true too.

Anyhow, I believe I've come out of that zombie phase. I feel that "fog" lifting. Maybe it's because the holidays are finally over. Maybe it's because it's been a year. I don't know.

But as far as the pain? It's still as raw as it was a year ago. I still feel as if "I'm bleeding on the inside". And maybe it's because I'm no longer in the zombie phase, I feel it all more keenly.

One of the best things about being out of the zombie phase is being able to recognize all the good people out there. So many people trying to help. So many who are willing to listen to me. Yes, there are those who are sick and tired of the story and wish the story would go away. The woman who said "well, at least now you know other people have problems too"....... Well, I know not to talk to her about it anymore. I don't think she intended to be mean, it just came out as being mean. Maybe I do talk about it too much. It certainly absorbs all my thoughts. The sad thing is, I wasn't even talking about Denise. I was talking about that poor unfortunate golf pro who's life ended so abruptly.

People say you are your thoughts. Hmmmm...... Well crap. No wonder I'm such a mess.

And it's not so much just this. It seems that every week something else happens. It's such a roller coaster. One day you feel maybe not elated but at least at peace and the next day you feel like someone stepped on you again.

So anyway I'm seeing things a bit more clearly now. And I believe that's a good thing.

So many people who experience tragedies like ours have turned their tragedies into positive changes and hopes for other victims in either preventing future tragedies or with helping the victims families.

On a local level, I look at people like the leader of our Parents of Murdered Children support group. And wow! How inspiring is she! To give of yourself month after month by being there for others. And believe me, no matter how tragic it all is, there is comfort in numbers. You don't wish tragedy on anyone and it saddens you to know there are others out there experiencing the raw pain you are but being able to have someone hug you that "truly understands" is the greatest gift. IMO. You have family and friends who love you more than anything, but you know they don't quite understand even though you know they want to. Anyhow, this support group she brought about in Charlotte County won't bring her son back. But in a way it does. In a spiritual sense it brings him back for her. She knows that if she wants to talk about him, cry about him or rage about what happened to him no one is going to minimalize her pain and say "get over it". So, anyway, she's doing something truly wonderful for other people. And I applaud her for it.

On a national level, of course, John Walsh has got to be one of the most inspiring individuals in the country if not the world. And still after 27 years he still cries over his little boy. And of course, there are so many others we all know about.

Look at Shawn Hornbeck's family. They never gave up hope and are now not only coping with mending their family, they too are reaching out to others offering support and comfort.

Turning tragedy and anger into positive hope for others.

Nathan, of course, has started the Denise Amber Lee Foundation which was inspired by the overwhelming support of our community. There was so much money raised for him and the babies. And he took a large chunk of it to start this foundation to bring about improvement in 9-1-1 centers. It was his way of giving back to a community that gave us so much. And he wants to reach out to other families who have experienced similar tragedies. What a dragon he's taking on. It hasn't been easy for Nathan to continually put his pain on display in the media. But he knows Denise's story and other stories need to be heard. Mark has been spending hours and hours researching 9-1-1 issues and is in contact with 9-1-1 industry people on a daily basis offering help where he can. Mark does the research and Nate goes on shows and speaks.

What I'm trying to figure out now that I'm out of my zombie phase, is where am I going and what am I going to do to help bring positive hope and light to others. I don't know.

I do know that I'm only a support player in this tragedy. It's Nathan and Denise's story and I just have a support role. And maybe that's what I need to continue doing. Just being here, supporting, loving, holding the family together, and watching the babies!

I did delve pretty heavily into the Charlotte County Sheriff's Office 9-1-1 debacle. I still believe it was a cover up or intended to be a cover up. Why else wouldn't they have contacted the NPPD about the call? I'll never give up in the battle of exposing what they tried to do. So, sadly, you'll continue to see blogs on that. As a matter of fact, I haven't blogged on it in a few days so you may see a blog on it shortly. I figure the more I post the story on the internet, the more people will find out about it. Maybe someone, somewhere in Florida politics will actually care and do something about it. Doubtful but I have to try.

So next blog "Why I think there was a cover-up in the Charlotte County Sheriff's Office".

Anyhow, thanks for listening again! Much peace and love to all.

April 4, 2008

This is also from my myspace page. I blogged this last April. I promise no more blogs from over myspace. I know it's confusing but I wanted them over here since I find it easier to blog here. But for those who want to know more about homicide grief, I think this is a good interesting read.

Homicide grief

Current mood: thoughtful

sigh

I thought I’d write a few notes about what I’m experiencing grieving for Denise and how different it is than any other grief I’ve known. I’ve lost some very dear people in my life but this is so very VERY different. If anything, I hope this blog entry will help my family, friends and others to understand what we’re going through. It may help you in finding what to say, what not to say, etc... I know it’s been difficult for all of you as well. Heck, I know I wouldn’t know what to say. Also, I hope not to offend anyone. You all have been wonderful. And you can’t hurt me. While experiencing the hurt that that SOB has inflicted on me and my family, I don’t think anyone could do or say anything to hurt me again. So, if I seem mad at you. No. I’m probably not. I’m mad at him.

The hardest part about being a homicide survivor so far is remembering Denise. I think of her constantly throughout the day. I can’t help it. I see her everywhere. And when I see her she’s ALWAYS smiling. But you know what? As soon as her image is conjured up in my mind, I start crying inside and thinking about what that evil SOB did to her. I can’t stop myself. His evil continually intrudes into my memory of her. Then the horrors of what she may have suffered comes flooding in. And let me tell you, it’s a battle. It’s a MAJOR BATTLE fighting that SOB’s evil that’s continually intruding into our family and making us miserable. I’m afraid evil will win in the end if he continues to intrude into my memories. So I fight him. All day long, I fight him. I’m fighting him now, while writing this. I’ve read extensively on this, and I’m finding that this isn’t unusual for homicide survivors.

I don’t know how the rest of my family is dealing with their grief work. I know we’re all different. We don’t talk about it very often. What’s there to talk about? We do talk about Denise and we share our memories of her.

Counseling. How do I feel about counseling. sigh. That’s a tough one. IMHO counseling can be good or bad. It can really help you or really hurt you. I’ve been helped in the past and I’ve been destroyed in the past by counseling. sigh. Nathan, of course, is seeing somebody who’s a psychologist trained in this. His psychologist is an ex-cop which IMHO is a very good thing. He understands this kind of tragedy.

I’m so afraid I’m going to get someone not experienced in this. I don’t want someone who doesn’t understand the deep, dark, ugly anger and anguish. The horrific nightmares etc.... I afraid I’m going to get someone who will spout butterflies, and positive thinking and who will want to put me on meds. I don’t want someone telling to look at the positives. I KNOW what the positives are. Nathan and the babies being alive are the positives. If Nathan had gotten home a half an hour earlier, he’d be dead. If Denise wasn’t the smart, brave, and courageous woman she was, we would have lost the babies too! I know the positives of Mark and I reconciling long before this happened. Thank God, we’re together and have never loved each other more! The positives of our families who have been so wonderful and loving. Friends so loyal and so very very generous. And a community that came together and recognized a good family when they saw one. They recognized that Nathan and Denise were just a loving couple trying to raise a loving family. I know God loves me and my family (altho’ it’s questionable to me right now but, hey, something like this makes a person wonder!). I know I need to forgive and move on. So, I don’t want to hear any of that. I want someone who will help me fight my battle against evil. I want someone to help me fight for my family’s survival. I know we can do it. I know we will. I also want someone who will accept my anger and say something like "dang straight! You oughta be angry! That guy robbed you of something more precious than gold!"

The nightmares are horrific. I won’t share mine. They are very disturbing and trust me, you don’t want to know them. Suffice to say, they graphic, bloody and there’s always a death occuring. Oddly, not Denise’s. Other people who I love and cherish die.

We’re all having nightmares. And that sux because aren’t our lives sucky enough? Does life have to be sucky while we’re sleeping too?

So I’m finding support in a support group run by POMC. Parents Of Murdered Children. Wow. That put things in perspective. Sitting there with parents, just like me, who have lost there children to homicide. I can’t go on anymore, writing this stuff. It’s very difficult. But I’m so thankful for all the love and support we’ve been receiving. I can’t help but think of all the homicides that happen daily and how those families are coping. They don’t receive near the support we received. And their pain is no less than ours. I’ve read this type of grief can last years and years and for some a lifetime. God bless all those families.
I would like to ask one thing and that’s not to ask us too many questions. To be quite honest, we’re not sure what we’re doing. We’re new at this. Just know, we’re doing the best we can.
"How are you?" is all you need to say and ask. Asking things like "when are the kids starting daycare?" "are you receiving counseling?" "are you going to church?" "are the kids receiving the help and care they need?" (yes, someone actually asked me that) These aren’t good questions to ask. These aren’t anybody’s business.We understand that you’re concerned and only wanting to help but these kind of questions can hurt unknowingly. Sometimes it seems as if those people who ask these questions are questioning our ability to parent and be grandparents. Like I said though, I know you’re just trying to help. And we’re just way too sensitive. You know we love you and appreciate you.

Also just ot let you know, I’m going to go underground a while. We’ve been pretty visible in the past couple of months and I’m still going to go to the public functions. I want so much to give to the community the support they’ve given me. But, I need time to heal. Presently Mark and I are spending as much time with Nathan, Noah, and Adam as we can. Seeing Brian is always a bonus, he’s ALWAYS so busy! (Aside to Brian: I love you and miss you. Please come home soon!)

With peace and love,

Peggy