Thursday, January 1, 2009

April 4, 2008

This is also from my myspace page. I blogged this last April. I promise no more blogs from over myspace. I know it's confusing but I wanted them over here since I find it easier to blog here. But for those who want to know more about homicide grief, I think this is a good interesting read.

Homicide grief

Current mood: thoughtful


I thought I’d write a few notes about what I’m experiencing grieving for Denise and how different it is than any other grief I’ve known. I’ve lost some very dear people in my life but this is so very VERY different. If anything, I hope this blog entry will help my family, friends and others to understand what we’re going through. It may help you in finding what to say, what not to say, etc... I know it’s been difficult for all of you as well. Heck, I know I wouldn’t know what to say. Also, I hope not to offend anyone. You all have been wonderful. And you can’t hurt me. While experiencing the hurt that that SOB has inflicted on me and my family, I don’t think anyone could do or say anything to hurt me again. So, if I seem mad at you. No. I’m probably not. I’m mad at him.

The hardest part about being a homicide survivor so far is remembering Denise. I think of her constantly throughout the day. I can’t help it. I see her everywhere. And when I see her she’s ALWAYS smiling. But you know what? As soon as her image is conjured up in my mind, I start crying inside and thinking about what that evil SOB did to her. I can’t stop myself. His evil continually intrudes into my memory of her. Then the horrors of what she may have suffered comes flooding in. And let me tell you, it’s a battle. It’s a MAJOR BATTLE fighting that SOB’s evil that’s continually intruding into our family and making us miserable. I’m afraid evil will win in the end if he continues to intrude into my memories. So I fight him. All day long, I fight him. I’m fighting him now, while writing this. I’ve read extensively on this, and I’m finding that this isn’t unusual for homicide survivors.

I don’t know how the rest of my family is dealing with their grief work. I know we’re all different. We don’t talk about it very often. What’s there to talk about? We do talk about Denise and we share our memories of her.

Counseling. How do I feel about counseling. sigh. That’s a tough one. IMHO counseling can be good or bad. It can really help you or really hurt you. I’ve been helped in the past and I’ve been destroyed in the past by counseling. sigh. Nathan, of course, is seeing somebody who’s a psychologist trained in this. His psychologist is an ex-cop which IMHO is a very good thing. He understands this kind of tragedy.

I’m so afraid I’m going to get someone not experienced in this. I don’t want someone who doesn’t understand the deep, dark, ugly anger and anguish. The horrific nightmares etc.... I afraid I’m going to get someone who will spout butterflies, and positive thinking and who will want to put me on meds. I don’t want someone telling to look at the positives. I KNOW what the positives are. Nathan and the babies being alive are the positives. If Nathan had gotten home a half an hour earlier, he’d be dead. If Denise wasn’t the smart, brave, and courageous woman she was, we would have lost the babies too! I know the positives of Mark and I reconciling long before this happened. Thank God, we’re together and have never loved each other more! The positives of our families who have been so wonderful and loving. Friends so loyal and so very very generous. And a community that came together and recognized a good family when they saw one. They recognized that Nathan and Denise were just a loving couple trying to raise a loving family. I know God loves me and my family (altho’ it’s questionable to me right now but, hey, something like this makes a person wonder!). I know I need to forgive and move on. So, I don’t want to hear any of that. I want someone who will help me fight my battle against evil. I want someone to help me fight for my family’s survival. I know we can do it. I know we will. I also want someone who will accept my anger and say something like "dang straight! You oughta be angry! That guy robbed you of something more precious than gold!"

The nightmares are horrific. I won’t share mine. They are very disturbing and trust me, you don’t want to know them. Suffice to say, they graphic, bloody and there’s always a death occuring. Oddly, not Denise’s. Other people who I love and cherish die.

We’re all having nightmares. And that sux because aren’t our lives sucky enough? Does life have to be sucky while we’re sleeping too?

So I’m finding support in a support group run by POMC. Parents Of Murdered Children. Wow. That put things in perspective. Sitting there with parents, just like me, who have lost there children to homicide. I can’t go on anymore, writing this stuff. It’s very difficult. But I’m so thankful for all the love and support we’ve been receiving. I can’t help but think of all the homicides that happen daily and how those families are coping. They don’t receive near the support we received. And their pain is no less than ours. I’ve read this type of grief can last years and years and for some a lifetime. God bless all those families.
I would like to ask one thing and that’s not to ask us too many questions. To be quite honest, we’re not sure what we’re doing. We’re new at this. Just know, we’re doing the best we can.
"How are you?" is all you need to say and ask. Asking things like "when are the kids starting daycare?" "are you receiving counseling?" "are you going to church?" "are the kids receiving the help and care they need?" (yes, someone actually asked me that) These aren’t good questions to ask. These aren’t anybody’s business.We understand that you’re concerned and only wanting to help but these kind of questions can hurt unknowingly. Sometimes it seems as if those people who ask these questions are questioning our ability to parent and be grandparents. Like I said though, I know you’re just trying to help. And we’re just way too sensitive. You know we love you and appreciate you.

Also just ot let you know, I’m going to go underground a while. We’ve been pretty visible in the past couple of months and I’m still going to go to the public functions. I want so much to give to the community the support they’ve given me. But, I need time to heal. Presently Mark and I are spending as much time with Nathan, Noah, and Adam as we can. Seeing Brian is always a bonus, he’s ALWAYS so busy! (Aside to Brian: I love you and miss you. Please come home soon!)

With peace and love,