No news is bad news

Still no news on little Haleigh Cummings. And in this case I imagine no news is bad news. I simply don't know what to think. I haven't been able to watch much news on TV. I remember when Denise went missing a lot of what was reported wasn't exactly misleading but simply not spot on.

It's frustrating. I guess what happened with Denise has jaded my opinion of the credibility of TV news sources. I really don't know how to word what I'm trying to say.

Let me try and spell it out if not for you at least for myself.

Do I trust TV news? Yes and no. Do I believe everything I see on TV? Definitely not. Do I believe TV crews purposefully mislead people? Not really. Maybe a little. But, no, I think they just want to keep a story alive.

Aside here: It's important to keep stories like Haleigh Cummings alive. We never want people to lose interest in finding a lost person, especially a child. So the fact that they are keeping this story alive is a good thing.

But in keeping the story alive, do they keep repeating themselves? Yes. Do they grasp at straws? Yes.

What about the Nancy Grace's and the Greta Van Susteran's of the world? Are they ambulance chasers making a buck over other people's misfortune? Yes. Do they truly care? I don't know. I guess Nancy Grace does.

A lot of people don't like Nancy Grace. I have difficulty watching her show. She seems to be a fairly bitter woman. Almost a shrew. I have nightmares that if I let my anger really take over that I'll become bitter too. I'll become a shrew. Apparently Nancy Grace has reason to be angry and bitter.

This is what wiki has to say about Nancy Grace:

"As a student, Grace was a fan of Shakespearean literature, and intended to become an English professor after graduating from college.[2] However, after the murder of her fiancé, Keith Griffin, when she was 19, Grace decided to enroll in law school and went on to become a felony prosecutor and a supporter of victims' rights.[4]"

I have to respect and admire that. I understand it too. I imagine that changed her world forever, just as Denise's murder has changed my world.

I know I'm not the same person I was before Denise died. And, I too, want to channel my anger and energies to where they may make a difference by helping others. Whether it's through 9-1-1 reform, helping to raise my grandbabies, or simply speaking out about homicide grief.

I have a difficult time watching Nancy Grace. I know from different people they have a difficult time reading my blog. I lack the social tact and graces I used to have. I understand at least some of what Nancy Grace is all about. Her world was shattered and blown apart. And she was only 19 years old.

Greta Van Susteran though. I don't get her. And, I like FoxNews. But Greta's show soured on me during the Natalie Holloway case. I was so sick of it. I still am sick of it. And that upsets me because Natalie Holloway deserves the same compassion as Denise did and does. But because it's been "over" reported people have become numb to it. That just seems wrong.

Both Nancy Grace and Greta Van Susteran tried to do a story with Nate. But at the time we weren't interested.

In any case, little Haleigh's story needs to be kept alive, at least until they find her. And then if it's bad (and I imagine by now it's going to be bad) it needs to stay out there so we can take care of what went wrong.

What is it about Florida? Pilar Rodriguez, Caylee Anthony, Jessica Lunsford, Carlie Brucia, Trenton Duckett, Coral Rose Fullwood, and now Haleigh Cummings.

Now I'm not saying Haleigh is dead or even that Pilar is dead. We don't know. But they are missing and the pain and suffering their families are going through no matter how many years apart must still be intense.

It's interesting. I wish they'd keep these stories alive. I think of the Missouri boy, Shawn Hornbeck, quite often. Even before Denise went missing, I thought of him quite a bit and posted messages on his website. I'd love to know how he's doing. I know it would be an invasion of his privacy and his world has been messed with enough. But, I'd truly like to know that he's doing okay.

Excuse me for rambling about this. I'm just trying to get my thoughts straight

Denise Amber Lee case and Other news

Really there is not a whole lot of news right now. The case is moving forward. We think it'll be August 2008 but we're not banking on it.

The boys are doing well. They are happy again. They went through a spell of...... I don't know. They just weren't themselves but they are again. We're trying to potty train Noah and we're trying to wean Adam off the bottle.

Adam is talking up a storm. Repeats everything. He's also very independent. He runs now and is trying to learn to jump. This is scary because he's becoming a climber. And he's an eating machine. You have it, he wants it. He has it, he wants more. He'll eat just about anything.

Noah is no longer a baby. Noah has blossomed into a little boy. And he's all boy! He's now talking in full sentences. He can now discuss his feelings. He knows who lives down which roads. For example if we pass MomMom's street in the car, he'll say "MomMom's road!" He can tell you how to get from the house to the store by giving directions.

Both still love to be held though. Noah won't always give kisses and hugs anymore but he still enjoys just cozying up on Mark's or my lap.

I miss Denise all the time. Now that I'm reading "Peace is Every Step" I don't think about Denise 24/7 as I was doing. I've been practicing my breathing and smiling. It seems to be working.

And now that Nathan has a new lawyer I'm not nearly as obssessed with the Charlotte County Sheriff Office's I/A report into Jane Kowalski's mishandled 9-1-1 call.

I still worry about Nathan. I guess I always will. It breaks my heart to see him continually try to adjust to his new life without Denise. He does really really well. I'm so proud of him. But it's still hard. I'm glad we're here for him. And the Goffs. I'm glad they're here for him too.

If you're reading this, Brian, I miss you! Come home soon!!!

added edit: I just looked on the FDLE website for missing children. http://www.fdle.state.fl.us/mcicsearch/UnsolvedAlerts.asp

Pilar is not listed. Was she found? I don't know because she's still listed on the Charlotte County Sheriff Office's website.
http://www.ccso.org/localcrime/unsolved_detail.cfm?r=9

Also looking at the FDLE website Haleigh Cummings is the correct spelling (Tammy you were right) and it's not Hayleigh Cummings.

Homicide Grief a year later

Last March while writing about homicide grief, my grief was still very raw. Now, a year later it's still raw. The biggest difference is I've seem to have come out of what I can only describe as a zombie phase. For many months after we lost Denise I was a zombie. I met people and attended fundraisers and was simply there. I didn't feel an active part of any of it. It was just all happening around me and I don't feel as if I contributed much other than my presence and of course, watching the babies.

I have hardened up some. I still cry quite often but not nearly as openly as I used to. I've become used to the newspaper articles and the news reels. Over this past New Years, one of the news reels proclaimed Denise's story to be "the saddest story of 2008" at least locally. And I didn't cry.

Well wait a minute. I take that back. I did cry. But I cried on the inside. I read somewhere someone describe homicide grief saying "it's as if you're bleeding on the inside" and that's so true. It's a perfect description.

I also read that you don't get over it, you simply adjust. Or maybe someone told me that. I can't remember. But that's basically true too.

Anyhow, I believe I've come out of that zombie phase. I feel that "fog" lifting. Maybe it's because the holidays are finally over. Maybe it's because it's been a year. I don't know.

But as far as the pain? It's still as raw as it was a year ago. I still feel as if "I'm bleeding on the inside". And maybe it's because I'm no longer in the zombie phase, I feel it all more keenly.

One of the best things about being out of the zombie phase is being able to recognize all the good people out there. So many people trying to help. So many who are willing to listen to me. Yes, there are those who are sick and tired of the story and wish the story would go away. The woman who said "well, at least now you know other people have problems too"....... Well, I know not to talk to her about it anymore. I don't think she intended to be mean, it just came out as being mean. Maybe I do talk about it too much. It certainly absorbs all my thoughts. The sad thing is, I wasn't even talking about Denise. I was talking about that poor unfortunate golf pro who's life ended so abruptly.

People say you are your thoughts. Hmmmm...... Well crap. No wonder I'm such a mess.

And it's not so much just this. It seems that every week something else happens. It's such a roller coaster. One day you feel maybe not elated but at least at peace and the next day you feel like someone stepped on you again.

So anyway I'm seeing things a bit more clearly now. And I believe that's a good thing.

So many people who experience tragedies like ours have turned their tragedies into positive changes and hopes for other victims in either preventing future tragedies or with helping the victims families.

On a local level, I look at people like the leader of our Parents of Murdered Children support group. And wow! How inspiring is she! To give of yourself month after month by being there for others. And believe me, no matter how tragic it all is, there is comfort in numbers. You don't wish tragedy on anyone and it saddens you to know there are others out there experiencing the raw pain you are but being able to have someone hug you that "truly understands" is the greatest gift. IMO. You have family and friends who love you more than anything, but you know they don't quite understand even though you know they want to. Anyhow, this support group she brought about in Charlotte County won't bring her son back. But in a way it does. In a spiritual sense it brings him back for her. She knows that if she wants to talk about him, cry about him or rage about what happened to him no one is going to minimalize her pain and say "get over it". So, anyway, she's doing something truly wonderful for other people. And I applaud her for it.

On a national level, of course, John Walsh has got to be one of the most inspiring individuals in the country if not the world. And still after 27 years he still cries over his little boy. And of course, there are so many others we all know about.

Look at Shawn Hornbeck's family. They never gave up hope and are now not only coping with mending their family, they too are reaching out to others offering support and comfort.

Turning tragedy and anger into positive hope for others.

Nathan, of course, has started the Denise Amber Lee Foundation which was inspired by the overwhelming support of our community. There was so much money raised for him and the babies. And he took a large chunk of it to start this foundation to bring about improvement in 9-1-1 centers. It was his way of giving back to a community that gave us so much. And he wants to reach out to other families who have experienced similar tragedies. What a dragon he's taking on. It hasn't been easy for Nathan to continually put his pain on display in the media. But he knows Denise's story and other stories need to be heard. Mark has been spending hours and hours researching 9-1-1 issues and is in contact with 9-1-1 industry people on a daily basis offering help where he can. Mark does the research and Nate goes on shows and speaks.

What I'm trying to figure out now that I'm out of my zombie phase, is where am I going and what am I going to do to help bring positive hope and light to others. I don't know.

I do know that I'm only a support player in this tragedy. It's Nathan and Denise's story and I just have a support role. And maybe that's what I need to continue doing. Just being here, supporting, loving, holding the family together, and watching the babies!

I did delve pretty heavily into the Charlotte County Sheriff's Office 9-1-1 debacle. I still believe it was a cover up or intended to be a cover up. Why else wouldn't they have contacted the NPPD about the call? I'll never give up in the battle of exposing what they tried to do. So, sadly, you'll continue to see blogs on that. As a matter of fact, I haven't blogged on it in a few days so you may see a blog on it shortly. I figure the more I post the story on the internet, the more people will find out about it. Maybe someone, somewhere in Florida politics will actually care and do something about it. Doubtful but I have to try.

So next blog "Why I think there was a cover-up in the Charlotte County Sheriff's Office".

Anyhow, thanks for listening again! Much peace and love to all.