Thursday, January 15, 2009

OUCH! Man was I p!ssed. I still am.

Looking back on some things that I wrote early on after we lost Denise, I came across this. I was pretty upset. And this was before I read the Internal Affairs report!!! Imagine why I'm upset now. In John Davenport's letter he was correct in saying that the CCSO as a whole has respected and cared for our family. Most of them searched beside Nathan and Rick. They have been wonderful. But he has been an asshole the entire time. He has been arrogant, manipulative, disdainful, and deceptive. You'd think reading the letter that he raised the money in the community. Oddly! I didn't see him at one event. And he held back crucial, vital information from us. This many months later he still makes my skin crawl. I wish I could sue him personally. Him and Bill Cameron for the additional pain and suffering he has caused Nate and my family.

I wrote this in May 2008 when the pain was even rawer than it is now.

"Four month mark

I'm feeling better. Why?

3 things

Saw psychologist last week (2 hour emotionally draining session)

Decided to write this

I've had some rest from work and babies

probably combination of all three.

I've been really concentrating on myself the past 3-4 days. Sunday (Mother's Day) was very bad. I was extremely depressed and missing the boys and my family. I couldn't stop feeling sorry for myself. Brian was up in Tampa without a car. Nathan went to church with his grandmother, then to lunch with the Goffs, visited Denise's gravesite and then went to North Carolina with Noah to see the Lowery's. I saw him for about 2 minutes. Noah didn't even get out of the car. I don't think it was an intentional slight. I don't Nathan even realized how much I was hurting. I really try not to let him know. Maybe that's wrong. I don't know. But doesn't he have enough on his plate without worrying about mom? Sigh. I'm crying again just thinking about it. So, Mark and I stayed at home and I cooked dinner the way I do every night.
We've been struggling financially and really don't have the money to go out. Mark offered and felt helpless but there wasn't much he could do. It was a sh!tty day no matter what.
Wednesday night was Nathan's 24th birthday and we tried to celebrate that. Nathan didn't really want to, and I couldn't blame him but Mark's mother has out-of-town guests visiting and it was the only real opportunity they would get to see Nate and theboys before he went to NC. So, we invited them out for hamburgers and hotdogs. Very simple fair. We also invited Steve (Mark's brother) and his wife, Deborah, their kids, James and Marivee who just had Isabel 4 weeks ago. What a beautiful baby. Anyhow, I was a mess! I was fine all day but when they got to our house I just couldn't force a smile. I just couldn't. I was tearry eyed and just had no interest in any of it (other than the baby, of course). Everyone was marvelous. They tried so hard and I just didn't want anything to do with any of them. How rotten is that? I love these people. They've been wonderfully supportive and generous. And, I just couldn't rise up to the occasion.
Nathan was on the phone the entire time. Sheriff Davenport (who I liken the the Sheriff of Nottingham) had written a letter to the editor that was quite upsetting.


Davenport defends sheriff's office

I would like to respond to a recent letter to the editor where a citizen stated that the Charlotte County Sheriff's Office has been insensitive to the Lee and Goff families. This is the second time I have heard comments as to how insensitive the members of the Sheriff's Office have been to these families. This same sentiment was indicated on the courthouse steps when Nathan Lee and his attorney announced their intent to sue the sheriff's office, and I take great exception to these comments.

From the beginning of this terrible tragedy members of the Charlotte County Sheriff's Office went out of their way to help the Goff and Lee families. Not only did they volunteer their time to search for Denise Lee, but they kept the family informed daily as the investigation progressed and offered any assistance they could to help both families.

To show you just how "insensitive" the sheriff's office has been, the day before Nathan Lee made the comment on the courthouse steps, Mr. Lee was given a check by the Charlotte County Sheriff's Office in the amount of $104,000 that the sheriff's office had collected from the community and from its own members to help this family.

I understand that both the Lee and Goff families are grieving over their terrible loss, but to try and portray the members of the sheriff's office as callous and insensitive to anyone in this situation, particularly one of our own,is a slap in the face of every man and woman of the sheriff's office that have given their time and money to try and help both families.

John Davenport
Port Charlotte

What an asshole! Of course, he didn't know it was Nate's first birthday without Denise, but even so. What an asshole! While he's playing politics, we're suffering. He's been an ass from the beginning.
This is how much I've changed. In the beginning, I felt very sorry for the sheriff's office. I even sent them a thank you note to alleviate some of the pain they might be suffering because of their screw ups. But as time has wore on, I can't stand this guy. He seems to enjoy twisting the knife. I want so bad to write a letter to the editor myself.
It would say:

To: Sheriff Davenport (I couldn't bring myself to write "Dear")

Do you enjoy twisting the knife into our grief and causing more pain and suffering? Are your politics so important to you that you feel you're not being insensitive? While you're playing politics my family is fighting for survival. As to your 911 dispatchers, we're not blaming them totally for the incompetence displayed. We're blaming all the people involved in that call. Including you. There were procedurals breakdowns. It wasn't just human error. It wasn't just simply not dispatching a car. There was no follow-up. Why didn't the supervisors follow-up on that call to find out what had happened. Most people would've asked 15 minutes after the call (having assumed a car was dispatched) "what happened? Did they find her? Did they see the car?" and someone would've replied "oops! I didn't think I could send a car" and the supervisor should've replied "oh, god! Send a car right a way!"
But, no, the ball was dropped. And then your department didn't even let the North Port police department know about it.
Way back in the beginning of all this, I actually pitied your office. I felt sad for your dispatchers. So, I wrote a thank you note hoping to help alleviate any guilt on their parts. I still pity your office. I feel pity for people that have to work for you. And I blame you. I blame you for not owning up to a tragic mistake and not wanting to fix it. I blame you for continuing writing about this to the newspapers and twisting the knife. Nathan went out of his way to commend your officers in the field that day during his press conference.
You're an asshole.

Peggy Lee

Of course, I'd never send it. Of course, I have to keep my dignity at all times."


added edit: I found this written on the same day


How important is dignity? My mom tried to instill in us always to maintain our dignity.
I now understand what she was talking about. Someone made this comment to me the other day "why don't you just get mad?" "why don't you scream?" "you're always trying to act like a lady!" "why?"
I thought about that for a couple of days. And you know why? Because if I lose my dignity, I'll lose control myself. That frightens me. I'm afraid of losing control of myself. I'm afraid of what will come out of my mouth. I have so much ugliness inside me right now and so many ugly angry thoughts, I'm very afraid. So, I do let loose at home when I'm alone. I do cry and I do scream. But, in public, no. I might hurt someone. Either verbally or even gasp physically, I might hurt someone. I might hurt one of these well meaning, very caring stupid people who say stupid things. And I don't want to cause any more hurt. damn. There's enough pain in my life.
And I want so bad to write that letter to the editor about Davenport. But, no, I won't. I'm afraid of what will happen. I could make things worse for Nathan. And I never never never ever want to do that. His heart's broken enough.