Thursday, January 1, 2009

March 2, 2008

Many moons ago, last year, I blogged this on my myspace account. .

I thought it would be appropriate to post it here. It was written Sunday, March 2nd and my mood was blessed. I'd like to share it here for those who didn't get to read it when it was first written. I'll probably post others as well as they reflect my feelings at the time. We've moved a long way since I wrote this but the love is as strong now as ever.

Words are so insufficient at times.

As you all probably know our family has experienced a great tragedy. We lost Denise. In many ways we found her.

She was so quiet and for me it took quite some time to get to know her. I knew she was wonderful because Nathan chose her. I knew she was special not through conversations so much but through watching her with her babies. I watched her with Nathan. I knew she made Nathan happy. I knew she was doing everything possible to be the best mom and wife she could be. I knew she was trying to go back to school. She clipped coupons, saved her pennies, photographed the boys, was learning to cook, keep house and was simply full of love. She was full of goodness.
If you look at their pictures together, you can see and feel the joy Nate and Denise found in each other. It was even more profound when you were in the same room with them.

I think of the sacrifices she made for Nate and the boys. So many things she went without. And I feel great frustration that I wasn't able to give her more.

To think that such a sweet good person, without a malicious bad bone in her body suffered as she did at the hands of that miserable man just breaks my heart. I still find myself in disbelief. I hate him. I don't think I've ever hated anybody in my life. But, I hate him. God says to forgive. And I'll do my best but.... it's a battle. A major battle because I want that miserable man to suffer too.
I'm very proud of Nathan. It's difficult for a mom to watch her grown son go through what he's going through. Watching him struggle with two babies, try to go to work, try to make sense of things, and grieve. Trying to please everybody.

So, I stand on the side lines and offer all the help I can give. I offer support. And it feels like so little. If only I could take his pain away. And I can't. The best gift I can give him, I've decided is to simply be a mom and not a meddling mom. So, my gift to him is not to meddle. I don't shower him with advice. I don't shower him with suggestions. He's getting plenty of advice and suggestions.

He's a grown man and I have faith in him. If he wants my advice he asks for it. And he knows I'm here.

Anyhow, to the thank you. Words are inadequate. How could we get through this without all the kind and generous folks in our lives? Our family has been absolutely wonderful. So very loving. Our friends have been generous and loyal. We've made new friends. Our community has come together. Even the newspapers are doing their best I think to be kind.

I was writing an email to the newspaper this morning and I told the fellow that I've learned so much through this tragedy. I've learned about good and evil. I've learned about generous, kind people and I've learned about self-servers and evil people.

Mostly I've learned about Denise. I was looking forward to the future with her. I wasn't worried that she was quiet, I had assumed I'd have years to get to know her and that we'd have years together growing old, enjoying holidays, watching the babies grow, shopping together and going to lunch. I'm sorry, Denise. I hope I didn't let you down. I promise, sweetie, that I'll help Nate, Noah and Adam in all ways possible.

Back to the thank you. Denise would be in such awe as I am, at the outpouring of love our family has received. Our family will do our best to be worthy of you generosity and support.
Thank you for being here for us during this time. Without your love and support I honestly don't think we could cope.

Please keep the prayers coming.

Again, words are so inadequate. But thank you.