Sunday, February 21, 2010

Dear Denise

It was a crazy week last week. All in all it was a very GOOD week. Dad and I drove to Tallahassee with Dave G Monday evening after work. Tuesday AM I spoke in front of a House committee. As you can imagine it was very emotional for me talking about you and how losing you has changed our lives (mostly Nathan, Noah and Adam's) forever. There is not a moment that I stop thinking of you. The House committee was very supportive and professional. Some members had funding concerns. I find that unbelievable. As far as we are concerned this is not a funding issue but a priority issue. They are already spending money for training anyway! A couple house members shot down the opposition quite effectively. I would never have been able to get thru it, if your spirit had not been with me giving me courage and strength.

That's what I admired most about you while you were alive. Your courage and strength should be an inspiration to women everywhere. Sadly, I did not realize just how courageous and strong you were while you were alive. I will never forgive myself for not having gotten to know you better. I knew you were shy and therefore I tried not to force you into talking unless you wanted to. I do remember that whenever you did have something to say it was always important. I also remember your grace. I never heard you say a negative thing about anyone. But, I honestly thought we would have years and years together of holidays and baseball games and that our bond would be forged through time. It breaks my heart we did not get to know each other better.

The house passed the bill through committee "unaminously". I cried tears of relief. It was so heartwarming. Someone said I should feel proud. But I do not. Our family would not be doing all the things we have been doing if we had not lost you. How could I feel pride in losing you? It is an odd feeling.

Coming home on Tuesday we stopped in Brandon for something to eat. Oh my gosh. Remember the day we went shopping? People do not realize we did not get to go shopping because of shortage of money. We only ever went shopping twice. The day in Ellenton and the day in Brandon. I thought we had years ahead for shopping and lunching. So I cried some more.

Anyhow, Nathan spoke in front of the Senate committee on Thursday. We watched it on TV. You would be proud of him, Denise. You were his soulmate. He's trying to move on and be the best dad he can. And Thursday night Dad and I got to go to Noah's T Ball practice. Oh my gosh. He reminds me so much of you. His smiles, his eyes, his mannerisms, his silliness.... He is silly and I remember how you used to smile and be downright silly. Full of fun. I just watch him and think of you. Friday AM I took the boys to school and Noah talked a mile a minute about you. He started with "My mommy is looking down on me. She sees everything I do." So, I let him chat and we chatted the whole way. Sadly, Adam was not a part of the conversation. I tried to lure him into it but he has no memories at all. People say how sad it is that you will not be here to see them grow. But I tell them you are here. I'm just profoundly heartbroken that they will not be able to ever experience your physical presence again. Your hugs and your smile.

I dreamt about you for the first time a couple of weeks ago. I have nightmares quite often and they are violent. I will not share them here. I have never dreamt about you though. So, the other night I had a very brief dream of you. You were standing near me and I asked if I could hug you one more time. We hugged and then I woke up. I wish I could hold on to that dream forever. I think of it everyday and it gets me through.

I love you, babydoll. And I miss you desperately.