printed in both blogs
Trials. What can I even say. My feelings? My feelings can be pretty much summoned up in one word.
Dread.
There are other feelings but if I were looking for one word to define my feelings, dread would be it.
I simply feel sick about it. Our trial is scheduled to begin August 17th.
If I've been mum for a while it's because there isn't much to say. Other than it's an awful feeling.
Tomorrow people will be celebrating Memorial Day. People will be cooking out and playing horseshoes. We used to do that. I just can't.
Memorial Day is about dead men and women who gave their lives for our country. Now instead of thinking about "cooking out" all I can think about is how people lost loved ones in horrific ways.
I still don't think anyone could die as horrifically as Denise did. But I guess people do.
It's hard not to think about the Jessica Lunsfords and the Carlie Brucias. I simply don't understand how someone can torture and kill (I consider rape a torture worse than waterboarding) such young innocents. It's just beyond understanding.
Okay, so I'm being very morbid on a Sunday morning. Now you know why I haven't written anything in a while. My thoughts are ugly and sad. I'm truly dreading the upcoming trial. I can't help crying thinking about it.
I do have some good moments. Yesterday, we had Adam for some one on one time. He's so precious. Mark's mom expressed regret that Denise was not here to see him grow. Well, I believe she is here and she is watching him grow. What I find sad is that Noah and Adam are missing out on having her here. They never really and never will have an opportunity to know her other than through our memories. They'll never experience her laugh. They'll never experience her joy and tenderness again.
They have been quite simply robbed.
You can see it in Noah's face. He has been especially robbed and he really misses her. He talks about death now around us. He knows now, I believe, that she's not coming back. He's handles it very stoically. And you can see how he's trying to adjust. He has his joyful moments too. And I believe he has more joyful moments than sad. I think now that he knows for sure she's not coming back he's actually doing a bit better. But it's hard for him. He has a million questions. He's only 3.
It makes you wonder if the alleged perpetrator could be put on trial for robbery as well. Because he really did rob us. I mean he ROBBED US. Especially Nathan and the boys.
I'll stop. I'm just not looking forward to the trial and I wanted to jot down why I haven't been writing much.
I really need to get to one of those meetings for Parents of Murdered Children. I think I should try the one in Sarasota. hmmm... we'll see. I'm just sick thinking about it.
I guess we should focus on the positive. The positive being the help and support we want to give to the 9-1-1 industry so that what happened that night with the blown chances of saving Denise in the 9-1-1 center doesn't happen to another family.
Two things could have saved Denise that night. 1.) Certification and standards for the 9-1-1 call taker and dispatchers. They had the training and they had the technology but they weren't using either appropriately. And 2.) cell phone location. Denise made a 9-1-1 call that lasted seven minute and had we been using GPS technology we could have found her.
Would she have been damaged? Yes. But she'd still be with us. I feel unbelievably strong about that.
sigh
Added edit: I just finished watching the PBS special concert for Memorial Day. It helped put things in perspective. I do hope sincerely that any one who is reading this and may have lost a loved one in one of our wars knows my heart and prayers are with you. And that I didn't mean any disrespect. God bless you with much love and peace.
