Sunday, January 25, 2009

Life just isn't the same (not a fun read) homicide grief

Life just isn't the same and I wonder sometimes if it ever will be. It's been a strange week since the tribute last weekend. I don't know whether to share the good news or the bad news first. Maybe I shouldn't share any of it. But it's back to the cave for me, I think.

I honestly don't think life will ever be the same. It's seems to me as if when the killer killed Denise, he also killed my family. At least, he killed it the way it was. I don't believe we'll ever be able to go back. Mark's different. I'm different. Nathan's definitely different. My relationship with my family (up north) is different. My friends have changed. I have new friends but feel as if I've lost my old friends.

We saw some family we hadn't seen since before Denise died this past weekend who were in visiting. I had a terrible time. It wasn't their fault. They were their same old, loving, laughing selves. Two people who I've always enjoyed being around. And they were able to laugh and joke. Mom (my mother-in-law) thoroughly enjoyed them. It was good to hear her laugh and let go. It was good to see her enjoy herself. Even Mark was joking around and laughing. But, I just felt sick. They kept asking questions. You see they weren't here when it all went down and all they've seen is the PrimeTime, 20/20 and Dr Phil stuff. So, they don't quite get the whole thing. In any case they were full of questions and we answered them honestly and truthfully. Some of the truths are very unpleasant. And, of course, we had to go through the whole story and share our feelings. It's hard to explain, but this is something we very MUCH want to do because we want our families to understand. But then I love them so much and I can see the pain it causes them when they see or hear the ugliness. I'm not sure if any of this is making any sense to anyone out there who hasn't been through what we've been through. I probably sound like a loony but I'm not. Mark says it because our naivete has died. That others still have a certain naivete that we'll never get back. In any case, we want to share with them what's going on, especially if they ask, but then we don't because it means reliving it, and it means causing them pain. And isn't there just enough pain already?

How can I describe what we're experiencing, Mark and I, after losing Denise in such a tragic, horrific way. And I say "experiencing" because it's an on going thing. And it started the moment she was torn away from the babies and we received those first terrifying phonecalls telling us she was missing. Just missing. It's been constant and it hasn't stopped. Every day we live the pain anew. I am no longer myself. Mark is no longer himself. And Nathan is no longer himself. Are we better people for it? No, I don't think so. The babies, Noah and Adam, deserve spontaneous joy in their lives. They deserve happiness and fun. We do our bests to bring that to them. We celebrated Brian's birthday last night. We met his new friend, Pablo. What a nice young man. We had birthday cake and I was able to laugh with Brian. Brian has changed to. But not as much. I assume (and don't know) that's because he's in Tampa and a little farther removed from the situation. He doesn't see the daily reminders we see everyday. There are so many things that remind of us Denise. Today when we went to church and then lunch afterward. Just her absence is a reminder. I don't know how to explain it.

But looking back at seeing our old family who is visiting, and celebrating Brian's birthday, I feel as if we're just shells of our former selves.

We're shells.

I miss Denise all the time. I miss Nathan. I miss the Nathan that I used to know. I feel as if I don't even know the new Nathan. It's rare we have a conversation. Heck. I don't think we've had one since Denise died. And, I miss Mark. I imagine they miss me. Because I know I'm not the person I was.

We're all still loving. Or at least we try to be. There's a sort of sharpness now, though. We say things we never would've said before while angry. We don't have as much emotionally to give, I don't think. We want to. But we just can't.

I don't think I'll ever be able to find forgiveness for the man who did this to us. First, the way he made Denise suffer. Her ordeal lasted hours. HOURS! And then to just kill her as if she were disposable. No thought to her, her kids, her husband and her family. Just of himself. What a creep.

And, now, what he's done to my family. He's shattered and devastated and even now a year later, we're all emotionally crippled and will most likely be crippled for a long time.

People say don't be mad at God, be mad at Satan. And, a person who could do something like this would have to be some sort of Satan.

Last I heard he was on suicide watch. Hah! Why should he be on suicide watch? Why should he want to commit suicide? He doesn't have to work another day of his life! He doesn't have to worry about bills anymore! He doesn't have to worry about losing his home! He doesn't have to raise two young children on his own! What does he have to worry about? He'll probably live years longer than we will.

Maybe it's time to talk to the good doctor about anti-depressants. But I don't think so. Anti-depressants are not going to bring Denise back. They are not going to miraculously bring back our naivete. They'll just cloud the issues and these issues don't need clouding. They need clarity.

If you read this, Nathan, I miss you. I know you don't read it. But if you ever do, I miss you.

I honestly do want that bastard who did this to suffer. Sadly, I doubt if he is. He probably is on meds. The only way he's suffering is being alone. Poor poor him. He doesn't know what suffering is.

And, please, don't worry about me. These thoughts are nothing new. I think these thoughts on a daily basis. I just don't always get them out. It's been a strange week.

Much love and peace to all, except a select few.