Tuesday, January 20, 2009

The Charlotte County Sheriff's Office and me

I hate to blog about this but I'm hoping it will help me with something that's going on with me personally. I'm having issues.

Every time I see a Charlotte County Sheriff's Department car, I get very odd, bad feelings.

Now. I don't have problems with the men and women who work for the CCSO. I admire them. I commend them and I thank them for all they do and all they've done. These men and women searched a long side Nathan for Denise. They've been nothing but kind. Yes, I do have issues with the new sheriff, Bill Cameron. I doubt I'll ever trust him. And, yes, I have issues with the old sheriff, John Davenport. I admit it. I want to barf when I hear their names. This may be very unreasonable. I don't know. I doubt it. I think anyone who was treated the way we've been treated and lied to would feel this way especially when it concerns the loss of a loved one. I have great issues with the squad on duty in the 9-1-1 center that night. They know they made grave mistakes. One woman in particular... Well, I'm too much of a lady (or at least I try to be) to go there. I think that woman should be arrested. Maybe when she goes before God with it, she'll start feeling some remorse instead of chuckling about her training. If she were to read this, I doubt she'd recognize herself.

In any case. These are my problems. I'm dealing with them the best way I know how.

I'll be driving along, minding my own business, thinking about what I need at the store or whatever and then I'll spot a CCSO car. I just get panicky. I just turn to jelly. It all floods back. Denise, what she suffered, Michael King, the 9-1-1 failures, the actions of the new sheriff during the election, John Davenport and his arrogance, Denise again and how she suffered, the shot in the head, how it could've been prevented. The thoughts just come flooding and racing in! I can't stop them. Sometimes, I've had to literally pull over and get myself under control. I've gotten better now. I can continue driving and I battle all those thoughts and fight them. I literally have to fight them and continue on. But I no longer have to pull over.

Now, I have nothing against these guys in the field! I think they're wonderful. They've treated me wonderfully.

It's that ill feeling I want to get rid of when I see a CCSO car, or when I'm at a 4 way stop and a CCSO car pulls up.

Why am I writing this here? Well.... for a couple of reasons.

1.) Maybe other people who are experiencing homicide grief experience similar stuff and this will help them in know they are not alone.

2.) It's cathartic. I'm hoping by getting it all out, the next time I see a CCSO car I won't be sickened. I think it's wrong to be sickened by CCSO cars. They were out there doing their best searching that night. It wasn't their fault they weren't getting the BOLOs from dispatch.

God bless the CCSO and the men and women who put their lives on the line. This blog wasn't about you so much as it was about some of the things I experience. I share it for others.

added edit: I honestly believe, that if John Davenport and Bill Cameron had treated us differently in the beginning of this tragedy and if they had come clean with the mistakes and made an effort to help our family "move on", and if they hadn't manipulated the facts I wouldn't have these issues. Instead of feeling sickened when seeing a CCSO car, I'd feel comforted and safe.

Again, God bless those people who put their lives on the line for us each and everyday. I just wish when I saw them my mind wouldn't be flooded with ugly memories.