Thursday, January 29, 2009


yes. that's it.


what's the word? dichotomy?

two extreme opposites?

We've seen true goodness these past few days. And we've seen true arrogance, callousness and greed.

I can't believe I'm 51 years old and am just now experiencing this.

I was offered a promotion today at the bookstore. They want me to become a manager again. That would mean some very much needed money. Sadly, I can't take it! I can't even work the friggin' cash register. Me! Who has been in the retail industry since she was 15 years old. I've been running cash registers for most of my life! I'm serious, now I have some sort of phobia working a cash register. I can't figure it out. I get all confused and downright frazzled. If I can't work a cash register, how am I going to manage a store? That and we have the trial coming up!!!! I imagine I'll be even worse then! So, my boss, who totally understands backed off. He knows that I would be perfect for the job IF all this other stuff wasn't going on. I mean, I'm PERFECT for the job. (Not trying to be arrogant, just stating truth.) Also, he knows how much the money would mean to us. He, my boss, has been so super wonderful to me this past year and just wants to help. I think he must have experienced something fairly traumatic in his past to be so wonderfully understanding. Or maybe he's just genuinely a good man. He was thinking maybe by taking the manager's job it would help me emotionally. You know, make me snap out of whatever is going on. But, no. I'm not ready. I couldn't handle the additional stress. It stresses me out just thinking about running a friggin' cash register. So, maybe next year when the trial is over. Light at the end of the tunnel.

Others stepped up today in other ways. So many people want to help us. And I'm not talking about Nathan because of Denise. But, me and Mark because who we are.

I'm telling you, it's important to be "genuinely" good and generous because people remember and people step up. I won't go into it all in detail because I don't want to embarrass anyone. But, I'll say it again. We've seen goodness this week and we've seen the reverse.

When the dust settles I'll explain it in more detail. It's complicated and things aren't final as far as how it's all going to play out.

I don't know. Maybe I've lived wearing rose colored glasses the past 50 years. Or maybe I've been blessed these last 50 years. Yes, I choose to think of it that way. I believe (I'll try to talk myself into this) that for the past 50 years I've been blessed. To think! It wasn't until I was 50 that I realized, first hand, that evil is a reality. It's a tragic reality that I'd hate to see visited on anyone.

Sorry. Just thinking out loud. Thanks for listening. Much love and peace.